20. Future Engineer. Frustrated good girl. Dancer. Singer. Drama queen.
Cry. Cry it all out. Cry until it becomes empty sobs. Cry until your body is exhausted. Fall asleep, but still feel the pain. Stay in bed for days. Refuse to eat. Stare at walls and don’t go to class. Ignore the concerned phone calls and texts from friends. Worry your roommate. Let the insomnia kick in, stay up for days and write bad poetry and drink too much caffeine. Feel the overdose of adrenaline pump through your veins in a fake attempt to recreate the feeling he used to give you. Convince yourself that he will come back. Cry again when you know he never will.
Eventually get out of bed. Shower. Realize that all your products remind you of him. Get your roommate to go buy you new things. Attempt to wash him away with things that don’t smell like lilac and vanilla, but of grapefruit and coconut. Clean our your drawers. Throw out perfectly good clothing, just because he saw you in them once. Find yourself on the floor wearing his old sweatshirt. Have your roommate guide you through putting his stuff in bags and stuffing them in closets that you don’t open. Go to class. Find yourself checking your phone out of habit, learn to live with your heart breaking every time you remember that his name won’t be waiting for you.
Have friends constantly checking up on you. Realize that you need time alone. Watch them slowly fade back into their own lives. Sit on the sidelines when you are all home and getting together and feel the ache in your chest because you know that he is missing. Watch as your friends look at you, realize this and embrace you.
On a cold February night have friends knocking at your window with a lighter in one hand, and beer in the other. Trudge up the highest hill on campus dragging the bags behind you from the closet. Take his Old Spice and spray it into the flame. Watch as you destroy the letters and old pictures in a fire. Watch something you used to find home in go up in flames. Watch it burn until it becomes just embers. Feel exhilarated. Smile and laugh on your way back to your dorm. Fall asleep with a newfound love for your friends and makeshift family.
Travel. Get out of the city, escape to the country or if your from the country, escape to the city. Or just go home; sleep in your childhood bed and see that even though things have shifted in your life, the walls of your family home are still frozen in time. Find comfort in that.
Listen to your song until it becomes just another song. Learn to push aside the memories which still bubble up with the lyrics. Accept that for now, and for a long time, that this song will always remind you of him. Do things that you put on hold, learn to love yourself without the help of someone else backing up that love. Learn your worth, and learn that your worth cannot be measured.
Wake up one day and start to feel okay. Realize that the hurt in your chest is just a dull ache and not a roaring pain. Look forward to your day, make plans, laugh a genuine laugh. When a stranger on the bus asks for your number, agree and give it to him. Feel the butterflies you haven’t felt in a long time. Go on first dates just for the hell of it. Cut your hair and feel like a new person. Change the colour five times in two months. Recreate yourself, for yourself. Learn that dancing at three am to Taylor Swift with your roommate will always be the best cure for anything. Go shopping with that lifelong friend, buy things that make you feel good. Go to the gym when your mind starts to get cloudy and you start to hurt again, run it all out until your heart is pounding in your ears.
Eventually, return home knowing he will be there too. See him from a distance. In your local grocery store. On the bus passing by. Walking down the street. Find your eyes meeting his for the first time in months. Smile. Ask how he is. Smile and laugh some more. Walk away with your head held high. Don’t look back. Keeping looking forward.
Keep moving forward.
This is How You Get Over Him | Ellie White (http://do-it-all-on-our-own.tumblr.com)
Nostalgia. From the city lights that we’ve been travelling on late nights of summer when all we love to do is enjoy our teenage dreams. Spending the night on the road, then having a stop on a local 711 store. Buy some booze and cigarettes and hang out on the side walks under the moon. Waiting until the morning sun comes up and drive our way to the apartment. Sleep all day and do the same routine all night. Those moments when our tummies are fed with fast food. Hahaha.
Nothing beats the drive from the city to Tagaytay and do the same thing. And when we are sick of it we’ll just throw ourselves in the craziest bar at BF Himes and party all night long. I miss my friends. Darn feeling. I wanna do this with my new friends todahhhhy.
I miss you Eastwood. Best memories of early college life.
There will come a time when you want to cut off all your hair. Do it. Realise that the thing you want rid of doesn’t lie in the long curls that frame your face so perfectly. Live with short hair for a while. It’ll grow.
You won’t always want to talk to people. That’s okay. When it’s late and you hear your friends talking in the next room, you don’t have to join them. You’re allowed your solitude. It makes company sweeter and it teaches you how to survive alone. You will need that skill.
In the winter, you’ll believe that nothing will ever grow again. You’re wrong. Every year, London looks like it’s on its last legs, wheezing through those last cold days in March. Every year, spring comes like an explosion and the city shakes off its sleep.
Mundane problems will get the better of you sometimes. Don’t worry. Try as you might, life cannot be an endless, beautiful, intense moment. Find comfort in money worries and late trains; they’re a welcome rest in between heartbreaks and breakdowns.
People will call you a cynic, a wry smile on their faces. Pay them no mind. You alone know that you are capable of a love greater than anything they can comprehend. You alone know that you are not willing to sell your identity and respect to the first smirking halfwit to pass by. It is not cynicism. It is reverence for your own vast and fathomless heart, and it makes sense only to love someone who understands that and is awed by it.
You will not always get what you want when you want it. Accept it. Your goals are not set in stone and you are not on a fixed trajectory. Sometimes, life will take its time and you will have to play the long, interminable game. Play it well and with as much grace as you can muster. Live at your own pace.
At night, you will occasionally wake up afraid, wanting to die. Don’t give in. Night plays its tricks, but you are not so easily fooled. Your mind will play its tricks, too. It will make you believe that you’re not who you are, but you must not give in. You take a breath and you tell yourself that you are here. That you always were.
Practical Advice for Difficult Women (#20 - 9th December)
I still feel violated, betrayed and disappointed. From now on I will only trust 3 men: My Dad, my bestfriend Ayann, and my Kuya Marlon :(
You should’ve told me that words before. You should have chased me the day I went away. Not today. The problem is I am always the one waiting for you. I’ve waited for four years. You kept me waiting after December but now I already gave up on you. And I no longer want you. I am currently in the process of picking up the broken pieces that YOU and the guy after you had given me. I’ve had enough, Jay. I no longer believe that love can save me. I cannot stay. I don’t love you anymore, like I did last December.
Umaasa parin akong mahahanap ko ang kasagutan sa tanong na “Para kanino ka bumabangon”
Wala lang. Thank you. Bat ngayon mo lang inamin :3